Love and Marriage

Marriage

We all know the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce.  Hey, it's hard living with someone for a long time, it's hard putting someone before yourself, it's hard having to share, it's hard having to comprise. It's also hard being alone. 

Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage.  Many relationships start out where the couple is compatible, wants the same things, and is completely in love.  But over time things can change,  he wants something different, she wants something different, the children arrive and everything changes.  

Anyone that's been married for along time, say over 10 years,  knows that it can be a challenge.  The idiosyncratic traits that used to be cute are now annoying.  The playful teasing is now nagging. She's not the same, he's not the same.  We're just sick of each other.  Just plain tired. 

Take heart.  I often say that it would be hard to live with Jesus for 10 years let alone a mere mortal.   We have to keep this in mind and communicate with each other.  We are going to make mistakes, get on each other's nerves, change, and even fall down.  What we must do is talk, communicate, express ourselves.  If there is a problem, men will just shut down and women will chat with their friends. 

Talk, talk, talk.  And wait.  What you think you wanted or needed last week often passes, the trouble your relationship may be having gets resolved.  You need to be a little patient, ok a lot patient, and keep at it. 

And trying begins with kindness.  Kindness means caring.  It's often funny that we're nicer to strangers that we are to our own spouse or children.  Simple acts of kindness begin to unblock the communication channels and open up space for love to bloom. 

The other big factor in a successful marriage is memory.  Forget mistakes quickly, we all make plenty of them.  And as Shakespeare said, "to err is human to forgive divine".  We have to learn to forgive each other.  Living together with the challenges of raising children, managing a household, and maintaining a relationship are tough. 

So FORGIVE each other, forgive yourself and move forward.   Learn to take it easy, let things slide, have a sense of humor. 

All the Best,

Tom Kaufmann

Coach K

From Adversity Comes Strength

Napolean Hill, the author of Think and Grow Rich, wrote that from every negative or adverse experience comes an equivalent benefit.  Another way of saying look for the good in everything.

We all know that's easier said than done, especially as parents.  You find out how truly vulnerable you are in life when you have children.  You want to do everything to shield them from life's rough patches, you want to soften the blow when life deals one of those unfair "why me" moments.

We recently experienced one of those very moments just this past week at our son's lacrosse game.  As  senior captain on the team, he was looking forward to enjoying a great season with his friends and teammates.  While the team was playing its second game of the season, Alex was blindsided by a vicious check that left him unconscious and fractured his jaw.  Our baby was broken. Season over.

I watched in disbelief as the play unfolded, and after what seemed like a time delay of 5 minutes but was more like 5 seconds, hopped the fence to be by his side as he lay motionless and unconscious on the field.  All the thoughts well up inside of you, "Is he going to be OK,  Is he paralyzed,  Is his neck broken".  After about two minutes with his eyes rolling back in his head, he regains consciousness and begins moving,  he's still unsure of where he is or what happened but I can at least exhale. I kept telling myself he's fine, he's fine while the tears, anger, and frustration all welled up inside me. How do you explain to him that this makes any sense or is fair after he's invested so much time and energy just to play his last high school season.

After leaving the hospital with the diagnosis of the broken jaw and hearing the news that his mouth would be wired shut for 4-6 weeks, you try to move forward.  Look to the future. You try to turn the page on the senselessness, violence, and that the entire play and act was unnecessary.  You try to reason with yourself, your son, and your family that injuries are part of sports and that things like this happen, but deep down they don't happen to you, they don't happen to your baby.

Times like this is where we earn the big bucks as parents. When we ourselves our rattled, we must turn our fear into fortitude.  When Alex was in the emergency room afterwards, his coach and teammates came to visit and were truly amazing in lifting all our spirits. The simple act of saying that you care, that you are not alone, is inspirational.

We as a family are all a little broken now, but with the help of family, friends, coaches, and teammates we will heal. The positives are a little hard to see now but I know they're out there. As we look for the silver lining, it may be simply that the injury could have been much worse, that he will heal, recover and be good as new.

With Love,

Tom Kaufmann
Coach K